It’s a scientific fact that people love lists of stuff. I love reading best / worst lists but I think the most revealing kind of list a movie critic can write is the “movies that other people like but I don’t” list. Nothing describes an individual’s personal taste like a list of idiosyncrasies.

Ghost World – Ghost World is not an adaptation of Daniel Clowes’ classic graphic novel it is an assault on the book’s youthful spirit by a bitter, ugly old man who hates everything except jazz. Director Terry Zwigoff removed everything good about the book (he took out Cave World!); all the parts about cool teenage girls having oddball adventures are replaced with Zwigoff’s pathetically one dimensional misanthropy.
I am not exaggerating when I say the entire movie is put on hold so we can learn about Seymour,“I’m gonna stay home and wait for Seymour to call” is literally a line of dialogue in this film. Seymour is Zwigoff’s transparent attempt to live vicariously through a fictional character. He is not a character in the book, he has nothing to do with the story and it is not remotely believable that a cool 18 year old girl would ever have anything to do with him. Seymour and Enid comprise the worst relationship in history. And I’m including rape.

Why did Zwigoff choose to adapt this book? He clearly knows nothing about teenaged girls and has no interest in learning. Hence a tragically ill-considered, miscalculated scene where 18 year old Enid begs 50 year old Seymour to take her to the sex shop. I cannot believe anyone thought that scene worked or that it should be made available to the viewing public. This scene is something to be ashamed of.
Every great part of the book, every thing that was authentic and sweet and unique is removed to make room for Seymour and his collection of jazz LP’s. Every character is swept to the sidelines and rewritten to be as unlikeable as possible so to greater reflect Zwigoff’s hatred of the world. Seymour is this movie’s very own Jar Jar Binks, he is Poochie the Dog to Enid and Rebecca’s Itchy and Scratchy. Every single thing about the about this story that makes it worth telling is ruined by Seymour. News flash asshole: now one cares about you or your jazz.

Terry Zwigoff used to make good films back when he was a documentarian (I guess, I’m not actually gonna watch a doc about jazz. I do like Crumb). But somehow he got it into his head that he’s a funny guy. Terry Zwigoff is to funny what pedophilia is to love: a sick twisted misunderstanding of it. Having cynical hateful characters snicker about how everyone is stupid for liking Micky Rourke movies and not Felini movies is not a joke. Jokes involve cleverness and unexpected outcomes of familiar situations; look it up douche.

Ghost World deserves to be condemned by humanity. Just like the holocaust, you would be morally obligated to stop this if you could. I hope Zwigoff’s next film is an “adaptation” of Catcher in the Rye; and I hope Holden Caulfield will be played by a fifty year old jazz lover; and I hope Zwigoff is consequently lynched to death by America. Because of Ghost World jazz does not count as a legitimate form of music. Fuck you if you like this movie.

A History Of Violence – It was a tough fall season, listening to everyone go on and on about this one. I guess I’m in the minority in finding the early “sex scene” an ungodly abomination against decency. If Full House had graphic oral sex scenes this would be it. If the Family Circus watched porn this would be it.
And I guess I’m in the minority in thinking that the point of this movie is so obvious as to not merit being said aloud; let alone a feature length film devoted to the subject of man and violence.
And probably I’m in the minority in thinking that the subplot about the bully at school was mind numbing.
But can we at least all agree that it may have been a bad idea to give Viggo Mortensen’s character super powers. That in an otherwise down to earth, intimate, small town thriller, it didn’t make a lot of sense to have Viggo use his magic powers to kill roomfuls of men with guns. That’s all I’m saying. The movie makes some unusual choice, that maybe seemed cool at the time, but in retrospect were probably a bad idea.

V for Vendetta – I actually have a review of this movie somewhere. Alan Moore is right to hate the world, a world that is too ugly to house such a beautiful mind. If your next movie is Speed Racer that may be a clue that you don’t have the artistic sophistication to adapt an Alan Moore book.

Sin City – Have you noticed a running theme? Yup, all these movies are adaptations from comic books. To date I have yet to really like a comic book adaptation (as opposed to movies about a comic book character like Spider-man or X-Men) although I love comic books. I await Watch Men with apprehension.
The problem with Sin City is that it looks like a goofy cartoon and I never bought it as some kind of hard boiled, bad ass, tough guy movie. Visually, it reminded me of Finding Nemo.
Also, this is an overly literal adaptation. It’s fine to adhere to the storyline but it was a mistake to use the comic panels as storyboards. Comix and movies are different media. Comic layouts work to imply motion, but in movies you can just move. Besides, the comic relied heavily on splash pages and other things that can’t be faithfully rendered in cinema, so just give up.
Also, why bother being “faithful” if you’re just going to bitch out. They have a stripper leave her clothes on and then they put underroos on that Yellow Bastard. The comic had him horse whipping Jessica Alba in the buff and everyone loved it. You may as well do a shot for shot remake of Psycho and leave out the shower scene. You may as well watch the airline verson of OZ.

Star Wars – Fuck Yoda.
Nah, I’m just kidding about this one.

Brazil – God, the very worst offender of a film that just does not know how to end. As for the rest of it, I guess I just don’t get British humor. Also horrible, The Fischer King.

China Town – Definitely my most controversial entry. I just don’t have enough interest in water irrigation to get involved in this movie. Also, Roman Polanski is not a great director.

Requiem for a Dream – Also not a great director, Darren Aronofsky. An ugly unpleasant movie with the most trite of excuses to exist. Also, the supposedly great performances are hacked apart unrecognizable by the relentless, overbearing editing.

All About My Mother – Maybe it didn’t have to be all about his mother. I can’t enjoy Pedro Almodovar movies because I’m heterosexual.

Popularity: 100% [?]

Share This