“Literally, the balls are metaphorically out.” - Vern, December 2007

The best film critic on the webs has reviewed Lindsay Lohan’s opus I Know Who Killed me; and even more than usual he’s penned (or more likely typed) a masterpiece of modern film criticism.

Reading the work of Vern makes the traditional print media and Film Comment type intellectuals seem hopelessly dated. Obviously his shtick is part put-on but what’s authentic is his man on the street take on film criticism absent even the pretense of pretense; and an unorthodox but encyclopedic knowledge of film history, as told from the vantage point of  the direct video racks and discount bins.  Navigating by the landmarks of our cultural landscape, his humor and Hollywood outsider status is a scalpel with which to vivisects cinema. He’s the Columbo of film reviewing, in that you know when he’s on the case the bottom of it will be gotten to; bumbling his way into uncanny insight and awesome truths, inditing the guilty while exonerating the victims.

Vern makes the case that this troubled but fascinating film has been misunderstood by the superficial intelligentsia via their poor knowledge of Brian DePalma  thrillers and Giallo detective stories. In typical vernesque style he manages to drift off onto a tangent eviscerating the entertainment / gossip media for all the normal shit they get get shit for but he does it with the humor, eloquence and style you wished you possessed the last time you told someone to fuck off.

“And yet year after year those fuckin morons put her on their covers, write about her on a first name basis, complain about her instead of just ignoring her, giving her more attention, more money, pretending to hate her and be sick of her. Britney, your 15 minutes is up, would you PLEASE stop being written about by me right now in this very magazine?”

Well said sir, well said. I ‘d link to his review but his web sight is located in the year 1997 back when people still used frames. So the best I can do is link to his sight and let you dig around for it (hint: it’s the first link on the page).

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